that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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