i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
