I faked an abortion last night.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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