You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
