Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
