I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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