I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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