I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
