If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I love you. Go after that dick
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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