Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
