one word: firstdatebathroomanal
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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