I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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