I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sext me about skeletons
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
