it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize