Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He passed out mid-signature
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize