WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
