I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
