Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
