He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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