Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
