She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
