I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
