I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
