I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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