the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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