His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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