Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
