naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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