im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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