All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
