Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
