I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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