so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
