Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize