Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
