I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You are the jesus of drinking
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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