I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just want nice things and good sex
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
