I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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