He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
