I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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