i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
