i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
