Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
