All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
