I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think a kid would responsible me up
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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