Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
