Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize