The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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