Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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