I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
