I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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