i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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