He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
