someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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