The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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