I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
