theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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