when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
