Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Jerry, you need to find god
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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