Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
