ya dads aren't the best wingmen
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize