My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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