if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
