so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
